Beware of reliance on the spellchecker!! Otherwise known as ‘tripe roof reed inn!’

In this age of reliance on technology, the old-fashioned eye deer of actually reeding threw work bee four it is handed in for a cess meant a piers two have bean widely abandoned. Learners just sit in front of there pea seas, tie pin a weigh, hitting quays sum wear close too the rite lettuce on there key bored, and leave in the spell cheque err too do the wrest. They simply weight to be tolled buy an inanimate object, weather watt they have written makes scents or knot, and wear awl the miss steaks are, witch, lets fay sit, wood be a miner mirror cull! The dock you meant is then printed out, awe saved in a phial, and in dew coarse, handed inn four sum won too marque.

Personally, be fore submitting anything for screw tinny, eye wood rather cheque it myself to make shore that wen pea pull reed it, it does come a cross prop err lea. Aye no it makes four an easier life, butt two weight for a machine to point out mist aches, seams tummy two be rather lazy; oar may bee eye have bin miss lead in the passed? The problem of cores, off on a rises wen the words are oak hay, butt the con text is a drift. It maybe that own ley won letter is wrung, butt the machine dozen no, bee cores it still seams wright two a devise with no a billy tea to thin kit threw.

Air knee weigh, eye just thawed I wood share a phew of my favourite spell cheque mow mints with ewe; they do make watt can bee a rather tedious job slight lea more bare able. I hope the contributors (who shall remain anonymous, but will probably know who they are) will four give me for including psalm pulls of there work. Be a shored that they awl helped to Brighton up my other whys sum watt boar ring daze.

Apparently, one of the worst times of year you can prune a tree is at “bird burst”: I can understand that would be a problem. Constantly being splattered with pieces of exploding pigeon when you’re trying to just get on with your work would be truly irritating; not to mention all the health and safety issues connected with rapidly dispersing feathers and entrails!

Exploding birds in trees would be particularly annoying to anyone below who happened to be making use of the “procreation zone”, which apparently exists around the base of a tree!! I never even knew there was such a thing, but having now been told that tree work often takes place next to a “pubic highway”, it all starts to make sense.

I wonder if there is any link with a “tree feeling licence”?  Now I come to think of it, perhaps the nearby “free-standing missionary wall” is somehow linked. From the word go there seems to be an endemic problem; there is apparently even a link between well planted trees and ‘low morality’.

Moving away from the seedier side of trees for a moment, it would appear that some trees have “habitat fetchers”; I suppose if you can’t move about yourself, it makes sense to get someone to bring things to you! They are apparently particularly important when it comes to “endangered spices”; who would have thought that certain exotic flavours were close to extinction? Even more worrying is that certain “protected spices” are more difficult to find in winter, just when you could do with a nice warm. I have obviously always underestimated the importance of sculpture in the past; it would appear that wildlife has legal protection “under certain statues”: I suppose if it applies to those that decorate the statues from above, it’s only fair that it applies to those beneath as well.

On the odd occasions when those who damage or destroy protected wildlife are taken to task, it is rare for them to actually be prosecuted, let alone ‘persecuted’; although that idea does have a certain appeal.

Obviously wildlife value can be an important consideration when purchasing new trees for planting. One nursery seems to have taken that to almost unbelievable lengths and is apparently supplying trees with “crows already established at the correct height above ground level”

With habitat potential in mind, it would appear that “cornet cuts” are the flavour of the month; I’m afraid I can’t resist the thought that there must be some kind of link with topping! When it comes to removing a tree completely, the prevailing wind can certainly be used to one’s advantage; at least I presume that’s what ‘whole sail felling’ refers to. Once the tree is down it’s always reassuring to know that you have “good quality timbre”; sounds good to me! If the tree felling is taking place in a long established woodland, there might even be a link with the “ancient tubas” below ground.

In climatic terms different trees definitely have their preferences when it comes to light and shade, but the fact that some trees do well in ‘fun sun’ was a new one on me; it must be down to all those happy little sunbeams bouncing off the leaves!

As well as physiological and mechanical implications, damage to trees also has financial implications; a concept that it is reassuring to see highlighted in relation to “dear damage”. Of course, protection can be provided for a number of hazardous situations; I’m sure there must be worse ways of spending the coldest months of the year than “overwintering in a lass house”.

When it comes to planting containerised stock, I am familiar with the practice of teasing roots, but to suggest that stakes should also be “tantalised”, elevates the degree of tree planting mischief to a whole new level. I realise not everyone takes a pride in their work, but suggesting it is acceptable to protect newly planted trees with a ‘wire mess’ is not really portraying arboriculture at its best. Slightly more disturbing was the suggestion that “pants” should be planted in woodland; no indication was given of the source, quantity or condition of the garments, or indeed the purpose of such an exercise: perhaps that’s another understory altogether? There may or may not be a link with another suggestion that I think I’ll leave everyone to interpret in their own way; namely that all “arsing should be removed from site”.

I understand the importance of maturity in a woodland, but I had never even considered the other end of the spectrum, until someone suggested that when planting you should use ‘naïve’ trees; I suppose they all have to start somewhere, but I’m afraid the preceding recommendations suggest their innocence will be short-lived! In terms of woodland management, record keeping is obviously important, but I was unaware that you could keep an entire ‘filed layer’. Looking after the trees is obviously important. Perhaps that’s where using “trees of local providence” comes into its own. There is obviously value in choosing people with just the right name to help with your woodland management; grants are apparently payable ‘per hector’.

Many of our ancient and veteran trees have historic significance, which is sometimes conveniently displayed on signs for visitors, but it is somewhat disturbing to hear that a tree has been found with a “plague attached”. Equally important are the many associated rare and endangered species of invertebrate, which deserve our care and respect; particularly the ‘venerable’ ones.

In addition to tree maintenance obviously other vegetation also needs to be controlled to a greater or lesser degree. I have always been aware of mowers and strimmers, and the sickles and scythes they replaced, but had never heard of a “long grass sword”; sounds like something that would have all sorts of health and safety implications! The wielder of the sword would no doubt work up a thirst; I can only assume ‘pour workmanship’ refers to some kind of tea-break.

On occasions trees do cause damage to our properties: one way of dealing with direct damage to a structure is apparently to ‘feel the tree’; whether that is in a physical or transcendental sense, it would certainly be preferable to removing it. Obviously such an intrusion on a tree’s personal space is correctly controlled through a licencing system, as was pointed out earlier. A suggested solution for indirect damage was to install a ‘rot barrier’; I wonder if that would entail 1, 2, 3 or 4 walls? Such a barrier seems to be at odds with the suggestion that cuttings should be placed in a ‘rotting medium.’ As well as speaking to young plants we need obviously need to listen to them as well: ‘sings of disease’ is an interesting diagnostic concept.

If one is unsure of anything, it is always advisable to consult the works of those amongst us who are particularly learned; there is apparently a very clever chap out there somewhere called ‘Claus Hatcheck’, but I have yet to find any of his work.

All in all, an interesting collection of slips and trips on the path to imperfection; a route I have taken myself on more than one occasion. We all have at our disposal a wealth of words, a veritably vibrant vocabulary, and an almost endless exuberance of excellent expressions; perhaps it is that very complexity, which whilst it can be used to uplift, can also determine our downfall.

The material for this linguistic lament is literally down to a lack of literacy. However, there is also a link to the lousy luck of lots of long, lonely evenings spent labouring in limbo; looking at layer after layer of lifeless, lacklustre letters, leaves and links (articles, books and websites), when one would prefer to be lubricating one’s larynx and liberating one’s liver, in the lap of luxury, with the landlord of the local. However, there is also sometimes a lack of listening in lectures, a lapse into literary laziness, and a little languishing in lethargy! So how does one achieve liberation from this loathsome legacy? – ‘Life-long Learning’!!

About Tree Life AC Ltd

Tree Life is a company specialising in arboricultural consultancy and training for professional arboriclutural qualifications.
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2 Responses to Beware of reliance on the spellchecker!! Otherwise known as ‘tripe roof reed inn!’

  1. Sez Kiss says:

    Ha ha! Okey Dokey comes out of a spell checker as Pokey Donkey as well, maybe we should have a Pokey Donkey prize for the most illigetimate a mung gust.

  2. Alan jones says:

    I’m pretty sure one of those was mine

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